Dear Professor Brad,
My name is Jordon Poh Jun Hui. I am currently a year one
student in Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT), majoring in civil
engineering. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in
aeronautical engineering in 2016. The main reason for the change in my course of specialisation
was due to my lack of passion in the aviation industry. As I have always been
obsessed with tall buildings and have had the ambition to be part of its construction
process, I am confident that civil engineering is right for me.
Being a fitness enthusiast, I workout up to six times a
week. Apart from hitting the gym, which I do most frequently, I enjoy casual
gatherings with my close friends for a game of basketball or soccer. In addition,
I developed interest in tennis recently and I am determined to become professional
in this sport to represent SIT for tournaments in the coming years.
One of my strengths would be being open-minded when
communicating with people. I am always open to listen to the other person’s
point of view. Not only does this attitude enable me to receive opinions that I
might not have thought of, it also allows me to engage in a more honest and
productive conversation with the person.
My weakness would be not able to speak in English fluently. Growing
up from a mandarin-speaking family, I became so comfortable in speaking Mandarin
that I realised that I only got to speak English within my circle of friends.
The fact that most of my friends are so used to speaking Singlish only
exacerbates the problem.
By the end of this module, I hope to be able to converse
fluently in English and to express myself with confidence when I speak or write.
Thank you for taking your time to read. I look forward to
learning a wide range of skills and abilities from your insightful lessons.
Best Regards,
CVE1281
Group 4
Commented on Javier's blog on 20/01/19
Commented on Wei Wen's blog on 20/01/19
Commented on Lu Sheng's blog on 20/01/19
Edited on 28/01/18
Hi Jordon,
ReplyDeleteIt was great knowing more about you. Your educational background, interest and communication strength was beautifully written.
Some areas which i felt could be more fluent would be:
1. "My weakness would be to speak fluently in English"
Maybe you can replace it with "My weakness would be that i am unable to speak English fluently.
2. "Growing up from a mandarin-speaking family, I became so comfortable in speaking Mandarin that I realised that I only get to speak English within my circle of friends."
Maybe it would be better to break this into two sentences.
Hope that you will be able to achieve your goals by the end of this module. Thank you
Regards,
Javier
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Jordon,
ReplyDeleteIt was a pleasure to have read your blog and to know more about your background and personal life. I like how you use words such as “exacerbates” in your blog, as it adds a little more contrast and colour your writing.
However, I feel that there are some areas for you to improve on:
1) “Since I have always been obsessed with tall buildings and ambitioned to be part of its construction process, I am confident that civil engineering is right for me.”
I feel that the usage of the word ‘Since’ is incorrect. The correct word to replace it would be ‘As’.
The sentence could be rephrased into “As I have always been obsessed with tall buildings and had ambitioned to be part of the construction process, I am confident that civil engineering is right for me”
2) “In addition, I grew interest in tennis recently and I am determined to become professional in this sport so as to represent SIT for tournaments in the coming years.”
The placement of the word ‘grew’ might be a little bit out of place in my opinion. I think that this sentence might be rephrased to “My interest in tennis grew recently….”.
3) “Not just does this attitude enable me to receive opinions that I might not have thought of, but it also allows me to engage in a more honest and productive conversation with the person.”
The word ‘just’ can be replaced with ‘only’.
I hope that I have been able to give your constructive feedback. I sincerely wish you all the best in achieving your desired goals in this module. Thank you.
Best wishes,
Alfian
Hi Jordan,
ReplyDeleteI was great knowing from your formal introduction. I was in fact impressed that you manage your time well to be able to keep fit, six times a week.
I have some suggestion for you to share with regarding the introduction. -I grew interest in tennis recently and I am determined to become professional in this sport so as to represent SIT for tournaments in the coming years. I suggest to use interested instead of interest and might consider reducing 'so as to represent' to 'to represent' instead.
And for "My weakness would be to speak fluently in English." you might consider changing to "My weakness would be not able to speak in English fluently."
Best Regards
Akram
Dear Jordan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your patience. In terms of your letter, you have responded very well to the scope of the assignment. I appreciate your description in the various sections and the good fluency throughout. This letter is clear and concise yet highly informative, as you make a clear statement of your interest in civil engineering, your hobbies, your strength and weakness in communicating and your goals. We really learn something about you here.
For language use, your peers have given good feedback. Here are a few more thoughts:
1. minor edits
-- Apart from hitting the gym which I do most frequently, > (punctuation) Apart from hitting the gym, which I do most frequently, (Do you see why?)
2. verb use/word form
-- I have always been obsessed with tall buildings and ambitioned .... > I have always been obsessed with tall buildings and have had the ambition to
-- I became so comfortable in speaking Mandarin that I realised that I only get to speak English within my circle of friends.
> (verb tense consistency) ?
I look forward to reading more from you this term.
Cheers,
Brad
To all who commented,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that you took your time to read, as well as to spot the errors I made. I have made the necessary edits according to your constructive feedbacks given. A sincere thank you to all of you and let's continue to learn from each other!
Best regards,
Jordon
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ReplyDelete